I recently put up my profile on an internet dating site. I have come to a few realisations in the 2 weeks since then. The first was about myself - I am more naive than I thought I was. I expect others to tell the truth because I do. Sadly not true.
The second was that most people have little to no idea of spelling, punctuation or grammar. One of my bad points is being a slight spelling nazi, and every time I see 'getting to no you' it is like fingernails on a blackboard.
The third was that I still have no idea what makes two people form a relationship.
The headline I chose for my profile was 'looking for someone who makes me smile'. At this point, the process has probably brought me more frowns than smiles.
Someone told me it is essential to hold the things we wish for lightly. To hold them like a baby bird. If we hold on too tight, we crush the life out of it and we lose what we wish for. It becomes cold and lifeless - killed by our fear of losing what we never had.
I realised that that was what I had been doing. Clinging so tightly to the dream of togetherness that I squeezed every drop of colour from my life and all I had left was strangers on the other side of the computer screen.
But luckily the valley is always there when I need her to bring me home, back into myself. The weather lately has been much more human. Each day seems less like a barrage, and more like the river, flowing past. The mornings seem more like autumn, with heavy mist dampening my hair when I'm on the motorbike. The cows have started calving at work too, and while I was washing out the yard the other day, a poem came to me.
The newborn calf
I smiled today
My face creased
My lips cracked
It felt foreign;
Of a country not my own
It was born
Not of words
But of life.