Isn't it funny, the things that you miss about a person when they're gone.
With M, I miss how his hair used to feel at the base of his neck. There was a little whorl of hair there that felt like it was just made for my fingers to rest there.
I miss how he used to make a soft little sigh, like a cat, when I snuggled up to him at night.
I miss resting my head on his chest and feeling the beat of his heart.
I miss how he used to say 'You could do that', like there was no obstacle to anything I wanted to try, like all I had to do was give it a go, and it would be mine.
I miss feeling like I was part of a team working towards a future together.
But I miss all these things so much because I know they are never coming back.
How far are you supposed to let another person in?
I threw all the doors open with him, and I allowed him to populate my dreams, my hopes, my plans. When he left, they all suddenly seemed as insubstantial as flimsy facades, swaying in the wind.
I don't know if I can ever do that again. When you let someone in, it's like you hand them all the tools to hurt you, and then all you can do is trust that they won't use them. It's like handing a lolly to a three year old and saying 'Don't eat it.'
So. I miss him, and I miss all that he gave me, and I miss all that we could have been. But it is all gone now, and all I can do is try to get through it.